Expert Advice

Simple Steps for Making Marriage Work
By Dr. John Gottman Ph.D

Making Marriage Work

There are simple steps you can take to keep your marriage alive and healthy. Here are some ideas, which are described in detail in my book *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*, that have been gleaned from over 20 years of research with hundreds of couples:

1. Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). Meaning the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.

2. Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every angry thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

3. Be careful how you "start up" a conversation. Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a dramatic, or angry or upsetting remark in a confrontational tone.

4. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," a husband who replies "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them," is a guy in a shaky marriage.
A husband's ability to be persuaded by his wife is so critical because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well.

5. Happy couples had high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

6. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: gossiping about other people together (very useful); changing the topic to something completely unrelated; throwing in some humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win; and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for...")

7. Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, couples make five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship ("We laugh a lot" as opposed to "We never have fun") than negative ones. A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.

For more information: The Gottman Institute, founded by Drs. John and Julie Gottman and located in Seattle, Washington, provides educational materials and workshops for therapists. For more information, schedule, of materials from Dr. Gottman or The Gottman Institute call 888 523-9042 or contact www.gottman.com.